Can We Want to Marry?

Question and Answer Details

Name of Questioner

Shereen

 

Title

Can We Want to Marry?

 

Date

08/Jun/2006

 

Question

Is it right for girls to wish that they want to get engaged even though the parents are not planning to get her engaged any time soon? What if it is just a wish and there is not any guy whom she loves?

 

 

 

Topic

Marriage

 

Name of Counselor

Sahar El-Nadi

Answer

Salam, Sister Shereen.

 

Thank you for trusting our page with your dreams. We wish you and all Muslims joyful lives in stable homes.

 

Your question implies that you’re probably a teenager, so I’m proud of you for your maturity, choosing to consult before getting involved in a relationship. May Allah always guide you to what pleases Him.

 

Romantic daydreaming is part of a stage in everyone’s life, where emotions take us on sentimental journeys to imaginary worlds with invented people. However, as good Muslims, we shouldn’t let daydreaming waste our lives! So what should we do? Stop dreaming or do something useful with our dreams?

 

There is nothing wrong with wishing to find a mate as Allah decreed for humans. Your feelings are quite natural and they’re recognized by Islam. Love as a pure emotion for the right person under proper guidelines is actually encouraged in Islam. What’s forbidden is abusing love to fulfill desires without legal commitment.

 

I must ask you here: do you want to get engaged to be married and bear the heavy responsibility of a Muslim home, or just to have a man in your life to “have fun with” as seen in movies and musical videos? Please be careful, because while pop culture pressures us to look for “sexy” people who can turn heads, Islam teaches us to look for righteous people who can turn souls!

 

We must not let our rush —to be in love— drag us into dangerous situations with the wrong people. You need, first, to know the Islamic guidance on how to choose a good Muslim husband and how to be a good Muslim future-wife to be chosen by one.

 

All parents dream of seeing their daughters married, and I’m sure your parents want what’s best for you, so they probably have good reasons for postponing that. They probably see you are still unprepared, due to your young age or your need to reach a certain level of education first.

 

In any relationship, we have to fulfill certain responsibilities first in order to earn our rights. So, while you are dreaming of your right to be engaged, it’s wise to explore the responsibilities attached and check if you’re prepared to handle them yet.

 

A Muslim has a responsibility to invest every moment of precious life in doing something useful. So, try turning your wishes into energy to make you a better Muslim, who is ready for taking charge of a home. Here are some suggestions:

 

1- It is a psychological fact that we grow into the images we make for ourselves. So try to imagine a detailed vision of yourself as a good and correct Muslim wife and mother, and ask yourself: how am I going to be that woman? How do I make that dream come true?

 

2- Do you have a role model? Someone you look up to and want to grow like? Is that person worthy of your admiration and pleases Allah. Or do you have the wrong example on a poster above your bed? Do you read and listen to lectures about women who made a difference for our Ummah (Muslim nation)? If not, my advice is that you search to know them and study their personal biographies and extract lessons for yourself to live by and to follow until the right man comes along.

 

3- You need to make an effort to prepare yourself for handling the pressures of our modern world too, so consider in parallel with learning your religion, to focus on your role in life. Why has Allah created you and what is your mission in this world? What is your goal for the next life and how are you going to get there? Keep an eye on the news of the world in all aspects of life; learn computer and Internet skills and languages. Search how to lead a healthy life and how to be physically fit. You will need to be fit to manage a successful life. Read about good housekeeping, home budgeting, successful relationships, effective communication, child upbringing, decoration, crafts and healthy cooking. Attend classes in those and other topics to improve your skills.

 

Once you are fully prepared for your responsibilities and you have chosen the right Muslim man to be the focus of your dreams, make sure to adjust your niyyah (intention). Raising a good Muslim family with your dream-man should be with the intention of pleasing God Almighty and Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

 

Your question indicates that you are a good person Shereen, so I don’t need to remind you to listen to your parents. Please don’t do anything behind their back. Get them involved in your matters and ask for their guidance as soon as you meet someone you like. If you want Allah to bless your future life, make sure that your path to Him passes through the hearts of your parents.

 

Also, bare in mind that this man —when you find him— is not a mahram to you (not legal husband, brother or father, etc.) until he is legally your husband, so your behavior with him should reflect the Islamic teachings you respect. Don’t let emotions lead you into what may displease Allah. If Allah has destined him for you, then there will be plenty of time, after you become officially husband and wife, to express your feelings for each other. However, if he is not meant for you, then why commit something you will regret later?

 

Until that time comes —and I pray that Allah may send him soon to you— would you consider sharing the pure love in your heart with those who really need it? Think of joining a charity to take care of orphan kids or weak animals and lavish your love on them. Besides giving you an outlet for your feelings, it will also hopefully gain you enough rearward to grant you Allah’s approval and pleasure. He is the Only One Who can give you what you want, so never stop making du`a’ and good deeds.

 

We will pray for you too, and may Allah guide all Muslims to suitable mates and support them in raising good Muslim families, amen.

 

I hope this answers your question. If you have any other questions, please do not hesitate to send us again. Thank you and please keep in touch.

 

Salam.

 

Useful Links:

 

Purity of Man-Woman Relationship

 

To Love or to Know, What Comes First?

 

Distinguishing Culture from Religion Concerning Marriage

 

Parents Opinion in Marriage

 

Asking God for the Right Mate

 

The Philosophy of Marriage in Islam

 

My Parents Refuse the Person I Love: What to Do?

 

Du`a’ to Hasten Marriage

 

Foundation of Successful Marriage

 

1,2,3’s of Marital Life

 

Love in Islam

 

 

Advertisements

The Philosophy of Marriage in Islam

Question and Answer Details

Name of Questioner

Abu Muhammad   – United States

 

Title

The Philosophy of Marriage in Islam

 

Question

I have noticed that there is a trend inviting young people to refrain from marriage via numerous methods, including intimidating them as regards the responsibilities they are to shoulder as well as casting doubt over the institution of marriage itself. Is there a way to refute these allegations?

 

Date

10/Jul/2007

 

Name of Mufti

Yusuf Al-Qaradawi

Topic

Marriage

Answer

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, we would like to thank you for your very interesting question and the great confidence you place in us. We implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.
Marriage in Islam is intended to cater to multiple purposes which include, above all, spiritual tranquility and peace, and cooperation and partnership in fulfilling the divine mandate. Islam – being a natural way of life – takes into account all of genuine human instincts such as physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, et cetera.

Although fulfilling one’s physical needs in a decent manner is one of the main purposes of marriage, it is not the sole one. According to the clear statement of the Qur’an, tranquility and peace through a successful union is considered the primary objective of marriage: (Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality).)

(Ar-Rum 30: 21).
In another place, Allah refers to the relationship between males and females in terms of partnership for achieving goodness and fulfilling the divine mandate for their lives. (The believers, males and females, are partners of one another; they shall jointly enjoin all that is good and counsel against all that is evil.)

(At-Tawbah 9: 71)
Responding to the question in point, the eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, states:

 

Just as Islam aims at rearing a righteous individual, being the cornerstone in the social structure of the nation, it also seeks to establish a sound family, the prime and essential factor in building a good society. It is never disputed that marriage – that unites a man and a woman in solemn matrimony – is the foundation that gives rise to the family. There is no way a real or proper family could ever exist out of wedlock, the way that has been legislated by Allah, Exalted be He.
Perverted ideas opposing the institution of marriage:

Throughout the ages, humanity has come to learn of ideas and trends that oppose the idea of marriage. In Persia (now Iran), before the advent of Islam, there emerged Mani’s philosophy, which claimed that the world abounds in evil, that it should be exterminated and that prohibiting marriage is the fastest way to effect this goal.

Under the banner of Christianity appeared extreme monasticism that denounces life, calls to getting incarcerated in monasteries and prohibiting marriage, because woman, they held, is a cause of temptation and a devil incarnate. Venturing near her is in itself a sin that corrupts a soul and alienates one from Heaven.

In modern times, there exist in the West pessimists who totally condemned woman, describing her as a serpent, with a soft touch but deadly venom. They further claim that marriage offers her the golden opportunity to place man under her thumb and shackle him with responsibilities. So why should man, out of his own free will, choose to place those chains around his neck though he was born free?

Unfortunately, some of our contemporary Muslim youth have been fallen prey to those perverted ideas, and thereupon decided to refrain from marriage that entails endless responsibilities, obligations and restrictions. They, on the other hand, wish to live their entire lives as children shouldering no responsibilities. If overcome by desire or the call of their instincts, vicious adultery will certainly quench their thirst in lieu of lawful marriage.

The objectives of marriage in Islam:

a) According to the divine laws and norms, nothing can ever perform its duty single-handedly. Allah meant everything to be in need of another of its kind, so that one would complement the other. In the field of electricity, positive and negative poles need to be in contact so as to induce an electric current, which in turn, yields light, heat, motion, etc. Likewise, electrons and protons should be in contact inside an atom. In plants, pollen grain carrying male gametes fertilize a flower’s stigma to produce more plants, fruits and seeds. Male and female animals have to be in contact in order to reproduce. The Glorious Qur’an highlights this universal law in the following two verses: (And all things We have created by pairs, that haply ye may reflect.) (Adh-Dhariyat 51: 49) (Glory be to Him Who created all the sexual pairs, of that which the earth groweth, and of themselves, and of that which they know not.)

(Ya-Sin 36: 36) In response to this law, Allah, Exalted be He, has legislated a sublime tradition for a man and a woman to be united in such a way as befits the lofty status of human beings, namely through marriage.
Allah, Exalted be He, has inculcated in a man’s heart a longing for a woman, and in a woman’s heart a longing for a man. Each of them is driven by a far more exigent need than hunger or thirst. Each of them senses a definite emptiness in his or her life that can only be filled with their union, according to the divine laws, namely via marriage. Only then does stability replace confusion and reassurance does replace anxiety. Each of them finds in the other serenity, love and mercy that light their lives and enrich their souls. The following is one of Allah’s glaring signs in our universe, which the Glorious Qur’an points to: (Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality).)

(Ar-Rum 30: 21)
b) Reproduction is the natural outcome of marriage. It serves to prolong man’s existence, thanks to the pious progeny that succeeds him. This is thus one of Allah’s bounties which He grants man saying, (And Allah hath given you wives of your own kind, and hath given you, from your wives, sons and grandsons, and hath made provision of good things for you. Is it then in vanity that they believe and in the grace of Allah that they disbelieve?)

(An-Nahl 16: 72)
It is also for this reason that Prophet Zakariyyah (Zachariah, peace be upon him) supplicated to Allah saying: (And Zachariah, when he cried unto his Lord: My Lord! Leave me not childless, though Thou art the best of inheritors,) (Al-Anbiya’ 21: 89) and (Lo! I fear my kinsfolk after me, since my wife is barren. Oh, give me from Thy presence a successor. Who shall inherit of me and inherit (also) of the house of Jacob. And make him, my Lord, acceptable (unto Thee).) (Maryam 19: 5-6) Similarly, Ibrahim (Abraham), the father of the Prophets (peace be upon him), prayed to Allah saying: (My Lord! Vouchsafe me of the righteous. So We gave him tidings of a gentle son.) (As-Saffat 37: 100-101) and (Praise be to Allah Who hath given me, in my old age, Ishmael and Isaac! Lo! My Lord is indeed the Nearer of Prayer.) (Ibrahim 14: 29) The Glorious Qur’an describes the servants of Allah, the Most Gracious, as such: (And who say: Our Lord! Vouchsafe us comfort of our wives and of our offspring.)

(Al-Furqan 25: 74)
It is due to reproduction that the nation grows and multiplies, makes use of its potential and manages to combat its enemies. Few would suspect the fact that multitudes and masses of people are to be reckoned with when considering world power. Allah narrates what Prophet Shu`ayb (peace be upon him) told his people saying, (And remember, when ye were but few, how He did multiply you.)

(Al-A`raf 7: 86) Further, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) says, “Get married (and reproduce) for I will boast of your large numbers in front of other nations (on Judgment Day) and do not lapse into Christians’ monasticism.” (Reported by al-Bayhaqi on the authority of Abu Umamah, and it is mentioned in al-Jami` as-Sahih)
Reproduction serves to preserve the entire human species all around the globe until the point when life comes to an end. Allah, Exalted be He, says, (O mankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women.) (An-Nisa’ 4: 1) and (O mankind! Lo! We have created you male and female, and have made `you nations and tribes that ye may know one another.)

(Al-Hujurat 49: 13)
c) Marriage consummates one’s faith, spares one looking at other women, enables one to preserve his chastity and offers one a lawful means to satisfy his sexual desire. Adultery is, therefore, no longer an option. That is why the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) spoke of marriage saying, “It spares one looking at what one should not, or lapsing in adultery.” He (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, “If Allah grants a Muslim a righteous wife, this helps him preserve half of his religion (faith). He should, therefore, fear Allah as regards the other half.” (Reported by At-Tabarani and Al-Hakim, and Al-Mundhri states in At-Targhib that it is an authentic hadith with a good chain of narrators)

d) Not only does marriage help a Muslim preserve his faith, it is also the indispensable pillar of worldly happiness which Islam encourages its followers to enjoy so that nothing would distract them from the ultimate goal of uplifting their souls and attaining high degrees of spirituality. Imam Muslim reports that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The whole world is pleasure, and the best pleasure of the world is the righteous woman.”

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is also reported to have said: “Four things bring one joy: a righteous wife, a spacious house, a pious neighbor and a comfortable riding animal.” (Reported by Al-Hakim, Abu-Nu`aym and Al-Bayhaqi)
e) Marriage is the sole means of establishing a family, the nucleus of society. No respectable human society could ever exist, if not based on the family. Shaded by the close relations of motherhood, fatherhood as well as parent-child and siblings relations, warm feelings of love, altruism, mercy, care and cooperation are instilled in a Muslim.

f) Social relations are bolstered with the aid of marriage, whereby scope of family expands including his in-laws and his children’s aunts and uncles. That way feelings of amity, love and social closeness extend to include more and more people. Allah meant relations by marriage to be just as strong as kinship relations. Allah, Exalted be He, says, (And He it is Who hath created man from water, and hath appointed for him kindred by blood and kindred by marriage; for thy Lord is ever Powerful.)

(Al-Furqan: 54)
g) Marriage matures a man’s character through the responsibilities he has to shoulder, as a husband and a father, and similarly matures a woman’s character through the responsibilities she has to shoulder, as a wife and a mother. As we have just explained, many men refrain from marriage simply because they wish to live as grown-up children with no ties to bind them, no house to unite them or responsibilities they are to undertake. Such people are not fit to live; they are good for nothing. Marriage is thus a strong commitment and a shared responsibility between a man and a woman since their first day together.

Allah, Exalted be He, says, (And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.) (Al-Baqarah 2: 228) (Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath men the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded.)

(An-Nisa’ 4: 34)
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Everyone of you is a guardian and responsible for those in his charge; the man, in his home, is a guardian and responsible for his household; the woman, concerning her husband’s property, is a guardian and responsible for what she is entrusted with.” (Agreed upon hadith) The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, “Man would be committing a huge sin if he were to ruin whomever he supports.” (Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, Al-Hakim and Al-Bayhaqi on the authority of Ibn `Umar) The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) further noted, “Allah shall ask every guardian about what he has been entrusted with, whether he preserved or ruined it.” (Reported by An-Nasa’i and Ibn Hibban on the authority of Anas) He (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, “One’s spouse is entitled to certain rights.” (Agreed upon Hadith, reported on the authority of Ibn `Umar)

h) Having got married, a man can focus on perfecting his work, reassured that there is someone back home who disposes of his affairs, preserves his money and takes care of his children. He can thus do his job properly. This stands in sharp contrast to another whose mind is preoccupied and who is torn apart between his work and home, his job and the burden of securing his food and clothes back home.

 

 

 

Related Questions

The Islamic Ruling on Marriage

Is Marriage Obligatory?

 
  

 

Allah Almighty knows best.